19 Awful Facts about Parenting and 1 Simple Truth

1. Rolled up diapers can spend three days on your dresser before ever making it to the trash.

Yes, I know. It’s unsanitary, but if you haven’t done this at least once than you may actually be eligible for instant sainthood. Sometimes midnight diaper changes happen, and sometimes the trash can (or diaper genie) is simply too far away to walk to when you’re exhausted. But you know what’s not too far?

Your friendly dresser top. You see, it’s got this great little corner that sticks out and says “here grab this on your way out”. And you’ll think to yourself that you’re only going to set that wet diaper there until the morning and then you’ll grab it and throw it away then. However, you know what happens in the morning?

So freaking much! You’re trying to get yourself ready, your kids ready, the baby ready, and out of the house at some specific time so you won’t be late and you never even think to look at your poor lonely dresser top. Then like magic, its midnight again and apparently your beautiful baby has a hate on for you this week because they’ve decided they need another diaper change. And you’ll do exactly what you did the night before, except this time you’ll stack that diaper right next to its counterpart and you’ll say to yourself “you HAVE to take that out to the trash in the morning. This is just gross”.

Then its mornings and you’re busy and your hands are full with a baby and a toddler and three cups that were snuck upstairs the night before, so once again those diapers sit on that lonely dresser. Until the third evening, when you walk in your room and right past your dresser and you’re forced to confront those diapers because a literal wall of stink has taken up residence in your room. Now you have to do the parental walk of shame, carrying a handful of 3 day old diapers downstairs to throw away. Promising yourself the whole way that you won’t do this again, because you respect yourself and you respect your home too much to leave soiled diapers sitting around. And you stick to that promise…. At least until the next diaper change.

2.Getting spit-up on something does not make that item dirty. You can even wear it again.

I’ve actually seen grown men gag after watching one of my baby’s spit up. I’m completely serious. They gagged. I could hardly believe it. Then I remembered that not everyone deals with regurgitated milk twelve times a day. (Still though…. Gagging because of that?)

If I changed my outfit every time I got spit up on, I would run out of clothes in three days. And I’m not alone here. This is why burp cloths were invented! Because babies will spit up, and while you’ll try to catch it, you’ll only be successful about 60% of the time. The other 40% of the time you use the cloth and blot it off your clothes and within an hour it will be completely dry; No smell, no stains, and you’ve probably already forgot it completely. Hence the ability to wear those clothes again tomorrow.

3. Wiping a little poop on your pants never hurt anyone.

On average I would say my children have used roughly 4500 diapers, each, before being potty trained. Which means I’ve changed somewhere around 17,000 to 18,000 diapers as a mom. Give or take a couple times my husband has changed them.

Now let that number sink in for a second; 17,000 diapers. And that’s just in the last 8 years for me. So even if I was absolutely amazing at changing diapers and very proficient; always having the wipes right at my fingertips and diapers open and ready to exchange, you could still expect the occasional mishap with a baby. Now let me reassure you, I am so very far from perfect here. I still change diapers and get frustrated with them because they won’t open when using one hand, or the package of wipes is brand new and I have to now wrangle the flap off of it. And sometimes I get too confident and my child needs to remind me that surprises happen all the time and I’ll find a lovely little brown friend in the diaper I thought was just wet and must now go searching for the wipes that my toddler ran off with twenty minutes ago. Needless to say all of these factors add to accidents happening. Compounded with the fact that babies have a ridiculous penchant for having “blow outs” (that means they poop so much that their diaper simply cannot contain it all and it comes out on the sides and up the back) I can honestly say that I have had poop on my hands probably weekly since the moments I first became a mom.

After all this time I am fully comfortable with poop. Probably more than I should be truthfully but… what are ya gonna do? And because it happens so often and often times without even realizing it, I will get poop on my pants. And I just keep going on with my day.

4. Spoiled milk is not always the end of a sippy cup.

It is possible to save a sippy cup that has been left filled with milk in the car for three weeks. It is not pleasant to do but it’s possible. I’m sure parents everywhere know the importance of the favored sippy cup. They’ve probably bought three or four of the same one so as to never be without it.

You know which ones I’m talking about, the one that never leaks. You could throw this bad boy down the stairs, let it roll to a stop, then kick it across the hallway to your toddler and this thing never spills a drop. It’s a treasured prize in my house. Which is why when this cup has finally been found under the car seat after three weeks filled with what is now the most heinous smelling gelatinous milk, I was so resistant to simply throw it away.

Rest assured dear friends, you do not have to do that. It is actually possible to save the cup. Thanks to the internet and its occasional factual websites I was able to save my daughters favorite cup with some baking soda, vinegar, dish soap and surprisingly my freezer, but after two days it will get that smell out of there.

5.Toothpaste is going to make a much bigger mess than you ever expected.

No matter how  much you wish your husband would put the lid back on, or how much you wish your wife wouldn’t squeeze from the middle, you will never fight anyone more than your child to please stop squeezing the toothpaste more than necessary.

Kids simply don’t understand that toothpaste once outside the tube is no longer usable (because yuck!). That doesn’t mean they won’t try though. I’ve watched my child open the drawer and see, what is possibly a week old glob of toothpaste, and just run his brush through it to use. Sure it still smells nice but half the globs of toothpaste in that drawer are so hard that you need a knife to get them out of there. It’s simply disgusting.

It’s awful how often my second son will grab his toothpaste and suddenly forget he doesn’t need to use his strangely hulk-like strength to squeeze the paste out, and in one good squeeze out comes 5 inches of paste for an inch long toothbrush! I bet you can see where this leads. 4 inches of unused toothpaste that cannot be put back in the tube now sits in the drawer just drying out and hardening. GAH!

6. Goldfish found in the sofa are still edible.

There’s a rule in my house that we only eat in the kitchen. This rule is often ignored by my husband and myself once our kids are in bed. But occasionally it’s also ignored by my children when something “super amazing” just happened on TV and they simply didn’t have time to set their food down before they missed it.

This has led to many crackers and pretzels being slipped between the cushions and under the couch over the years. I’ve also learned this lesson repeatedly, so it’s important to clean my couch out at least once a month due to this problem. However it wasn’t always this way. I used to go all year and never even contemplate vacuuming out that bad boy. But then I witnessed my kids on too many occasions grabbing those left behind crackers out of the cracks of the couch and just popping them in their mouth without a second’s hesitation. It didn’t matter to them if that crackers was covered in dog fur, dried dirt, or whatever other gross items get left behind. So remembered this and learn from my mistakes, kids are faster about finding those left behind crackers than I am at vacuuming, so just say no to food in the living room.

7. Under the cushion is also a trash can.

So your little kid has a cold. And they’ve discovered that Kleenexes help keep their noses dry while they lay on the sofa to watch TV and sleep. And since they are so comfortable in their cold induced slumber, they will take those snot filled tissues and simply slip them inside your cushions. One after another after another. So please just be aware of this fact next time your little snuggle bug isn’t feeling well. Always check the couch cushions afterwards. Or one day you’ll be looking for the remote and your hand will come away in a very disgusting state.

8.You will sit in pee that is not yours at 2:30 in the morning way more often than you’ll think to check for it first.

Let me start by stating unequivocally that I do not have any problem keeping a toilet seat dry. I sit down, I do my business, I clean up and I get up. Boom. Done. However, this is not the case for every boy under the age of 12. First, as we all know they don’t sit down, not since they grew tall enough to stand. But because we moms have never had aiming problems or ever been taught how to aim, this piece of critical information isn’t inherent in potty training for us. (At least it wasn’t for me when I first started potty training). Now here I am 7 years later, and at least once a week I will go to the bathroom and sit right in a wet spot that should not be there!

Helpful tip: use cheerios in the toilet seat as targets for aiming practice, it helps quite a lot!

9. You do not need a Kleenex or tissue to clean a snotty nose.

It’s a truth universally known that kids will have runny noses. And while being prepared is often key for big families, tissues run out. But rest assured dear friends, that your hand or the child’s own t-shirt can work in a pinch as a suitable Kleenex. Because let’s be honest it’s probably not the only thing they’ve got on their shirt anyways.

10. When viewed by a guest, a toilet will always have something left in it.

Kids will only flush the toilet when no guest is expected. But as soon as someone is coming over and you’ve just cleaned your bathroom in hopes of keeping up the façade that you have a clean house, your child will absolutely leave a lovely number 2 for your guest to find.

11. A fruit crisper is where food goes to die.

I used to have the cleanest refrigerator ever. Never had any leftover food or molded fruit left behind. Now the bottom of the fruit crisper is always, always, always full of little black, blue, red, and purple fruit bits that get left behind and smashed to the bottom of the drawer. I don’t know what it is about children that cause this phenomenon but fruit cannot be expected to stay in their little containers once kids are around and they will hop right out and roll around on the bottom of that drawer in hopes of making it to a lasting stain on a once clean fridge.

12. If you have long hair, the possibility of it staying clean is ZERO.

Ketchup, spit up, snot, ranch dressing, chicken bits, blood, vomit, and even poo will find it ways into those long beautiful tresses of yours. It happens. And that’s why women’s shampoos come in a varying array of beautiful scents and fragrances. It helps hide the smell of day old spit up. You have two choices ladies; cut it or deal with it!

13. Half chewed food is always under your table.

It might be possible that when food is spit out of a child’s mouth it grows legs and is then capable of moving. I sweep every night after dinner. And still in the morning I will find a Brussel sprout or a broccoli floret still under there. It wasn’t there the night before. Conclusion, they get up and move around. And their favorite place to finally rest in under the table where you just swept.

14. Lifting your child over your head will result in drool on your face.

Everyone loves being picked up. Babies and toddler especially. They love to be raised above their parents head and smiled up at. However because they love it so much, those gummy little smiles are so wide that drool will inevitably fall out of it and dribble onto your face. But you’ll do it again and again because that may be the best darn smile of your day and nothing will stop you from making that baby happy.

15. At least 4 times per child you will walk around in public with urine on your clothing.

Diapers have a capacity limit. Children love juice. Conclusion, the pee will come out, and it will be at the moment you’re feeding or holding them. Now you’ve got a lovely little wet stain on your shirt and no replacement for yourself. Just grin and bear it baby. You rock that look!

16. Potty training is not for the faint of heart.

If you like your rug or carpet, don’t get too attached, your child will ruin it when you’re potty training.  Anywhere becomes a bathroom for a couple weeks.

17. A diaper genies capacity limit is really just a suggestion.

There’s a game we play in our house with the diaper genie.  We hate taking this stinky vile thing out. So if you’re the one who puts the diaper that overfills the genie, then you’re the one who takes it out.  This has led to the discovery that, with enough will power, that plastic contraption will magically expand and always hold at least one more. It doesn’t matter if you have to push with all your might and maybe the diaper explodes a little in the process (see fact #3) so long as you aren’t the person who has to take that bag out to the garage.

18. Sleep happens on urine.

Children wet the bed. Sometimes this means that in the middle of the night you have to change the sheets. And maybe sometimes you’re simply too tired to actually change them and instead you simply strip the bed with the slightly damp mattress and you lay a towel down in place and just go right back to sleep. Because it’s always in the middle of the night that you discover deep down just exactly what you’re willing to go through for a good night’s sleep!

19. What the heck is that smear on the wall?

This is a daily question in my house. Is it blood? Is it dirt? Is it poop? Is it smashed raspberry? Who knows! It’s a gamble and most of the time it’s easier to simply grab your friendly magic eraser and just wipe it away like it never existed instead of really questioning that one too deeply. Because sometimes it’s worse than you think it is.

1 Simple truth!

1. None of the 19 awful facts mean anything at the end of the day. Your children are the greatest thing that will happen to you. So smile and laugh about it. They won’t be that messy and little for long.